New Tuesday 3/22

I am going to apologize ahead of time for this article. This week has 4 of the worst offerings for a tuesday I can think of. These movies are so terrible that they make Johnny Depp seem boring, Justin Timberlake sound annoying and Paul Rudd unfunny (which is probably the worst offense). So with that said, le’go!

First things first, The Tourist (Rated PG-13)

kkkkhhhhaaaaannnnnnn!!!!!!!

So the movie starts out on Elise (Angelina Jolie),who is being followed by Scotland Yard, in a cafe. She receives a letter from a man with specific instructions to pick out a guy that looks exactly like him. At the same time a mysterious man is watching her. She burns the letter, gets on a train headed to Venice, Italy It’s here she meets Captain Jack Sparrow Frank (Johnny Depp), an American tourist (get it?????), in which they flirt, have dinner, and do that nasty. Hey when in Rome, right? The next morning Frank wakes up to some bad dudes trying to break into his room and Elise gone. It’s from their the “spoilers” begin so I’ll stop here.

Wow, I never thought I would see a movie that wasn’t even kind of interesting that had these two in it. Then I saw this piece of unapologetic fecal matter. I would send Jolie and Depp back to acting school, hell, even to the groundlings, just so they can re-learn the art of acting because they forgot it here. The director, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, seems to focused more on the scenery than the story because there is just constant shots of the larger Venice area. WE GET IT, ITALY IS NICE! It also can’t decide what it wants to be (action/comedy/thriller/romance) and you will be extremely pissed at the “twist” ending. Just a complete cop out. This is also disappointing because von Donnersmarck directed the excellent The Lives Of Others. Go see that instead, or even better, see any movie with these stars in them. Don’t even look at this movie’s cover. It awful awful awful and it makes me sick.

Wow, a winner.

Next up is Yogi Bear (rated PG)

This was last year’s Mars Needs Moms: no one asked for it, it costed a shitload of money to a make and it will ruin at least one these actor’s career. I think there’s a plot in this horrible, God forsaken piece of cinematic muck. I really hope everyone got at least $12 million because that would really be the only reason to even consider a CGI, 3D remake of Yogi Bear. Dan Aykroyd sounds like an offensive black stereotype, Justin Timberlake makes FRED sound like James Lipton. The two human leads, Anna Faris and Tom Cavanagh, keep looking around for a way out of this movie. The CGI is half assed and makes claymation sound like a better idea. The story is extremely uncompleing and even makes 5 year olds cry. I really can’t stress enough how awful this is. Just don’t even think about it. Just rent something else like Up or How To Train Your Dragon.

just avoid this cover.

Batting 3rd, Skyline (Rated PG-13)

Set in modern day L.A., this effects heavy (ha!) cinematic foray into alien invasion (no, not that kind) is about a rag tag group of survivors just trying to survive this takeover and….you know what, I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. Don’t see it. The same goes for How Do You Know (rated PG-13) Don’t see any of these movies. They are awful money grabs that make Donald Trump seem like a saint. Just avoid them all.

Next week I’ll tell you about Black Swan, Tangled and Fair Game (all of those 412309481x’s better then any of these movies)